


Holy Dysfunctional Teammates, Batman!

by stellarbird



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Mind Control, Superherostuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-23 02:14:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/616949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarbird/pseuds/stellarbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>WANTED: A gutsy gal of the crime-fighting type to join a league of similarly awesome superheroines!!! Determination and a can-do attitude are a must. Also the ability to cook real food. Especially pies.<br/>Contact galacticGunslinger [GG] on pesterchum if you are interested!!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holy Dysfunctional Teammates, Batman!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bioiridescent](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bioiridescent/gifts).



Jade, Rose, Roxy, and Terezi: Pose as a team

\-------------------oOo-------------------

\-- galacticGunslinger [GG] opened group chat titled OPERATION HABITSAVE \--  
GG: ok team!!  
GG: we are going to have to be super careful and prepared if we want to stop this heist  
GG: if we can intercept the habits before they are transported to safer storage within crockercorp itself it will be a huge setback for the batterwitch!  
GG: rumor has it those monks hid some super secret things in their clothing  
GG: so i want all of you to be the most alert you can possibly be  
GG: speaking of which  
GG: where ARE you guys?  
\-- transcendentalTiresias [TT] joined chat --  
TT: My apologies, Jade, I was a little distracted.  
GG: no problem rose!  
GG: ugh no one else is here though  
GG: i guess its just you and me :(  
\-- toxicologistsGhost [TG] joined chat --  
TT: I think you spoke too soon.  
TT: Joining us at last, my dear sister?  
TG: slkj;jkdhffhdk  
GG: ????  
GG: roxy  
GG: have you been drinking again?  
GG: you KNOW i said no drinking on missions!!!  
TG: k;l;l.,.,.,;ll;klk  
GG: >:(  
TT: Hm.  
TT: I think I’d venture to say that my sister is not, in fact, drunk at the moment.  
GG: then why is she typing gibberish?  
TT: I’m afraid that this inane mix of letters and punctuation is coming not from Roxy’s fingers, but from what Dave would call her “sweet ass.”  
TT: Her prime rump crafts only the finest of poetry, only the most delicate nectars of literature.  
TT: Shit’s downright mellifluous.  
GG: rose stop getting off track  
\-- gordianClemency [GC] joined chat --  
GG: butts are not the issue here!!  
GC: BUTTS 4R3 4LW4YS TH3 1SSU3 >:]  
GG: they are not!!!  
GG: sheesh  
GG: you guys are sooooo unproductive!  
GC: SORRY 1 H4D TO M4K3 4N 3M3RG3NCY P1E BR34K ON TH3 W4Y  
GG: hm  
TG: oppoiipopuiiu  
GC: >:?  
GG: ignore that its just her butt  
GG: what constitutes a pie emergency exactly???  
GC: TH3R3 W4S NOTH1NG L3FT 1N TH3 V4N FR1DG3 3XC3PT W33K OLD P34CH COBBL3R W1TH 4LL TH3 P34CH3S SCOOP3D OUT  
GG: that is not an emergency!!  
GC: 4U CONTR41R3  
GC: 1T 1S 4N 3M3RG3NCY OF GR13VOUS PROPORT1ONS!  
GC: TH3 T34M CH4RT3R CL34RLY ST4T3S TH4T TH3 COMMUN4L V4N FR1DG3 1S TO B3 W3LL STOCK3D W1TH 4T L34ST ON3 FL4VOR OF FRU1T P1E 4T 4LL T1M3S  
GC: 3XCLUD1NG PUMPK1N WH1CH 1 1NS1ST H4S ONLY 4 DUB1OUS CL41M TO FRU1THOOD  
GG: terezi for the last time  
GG: fruits are anything produced by plants which contain zygotes for future sporophyte regeneration!!!!!  
GG: so YES pumpkin IS a fruit  
GC: 4R3 YOU CL41M1NG CUCUMB3RS 4R3 A FRU1T J4D3  
GG: technically yes  
GC: CUCMB3RS 4R3 W4T3R M4SQU3R4D1NG 4S V3G3T4BL3S  
GC: 1 R3FUS3 TO 4CKNOWL3DG3 4NY L3G1T1M4CY TH3Y M4Y H4V3 4S 4 M3MB3R OF TH3 FRU1T K1NGDOM  
TT: Ladies.  
TT: As thrilling as I find this conversation, I would like to point out that it is now seven twenty-five.  
TT: The Crockercorp heist is scheduled to occur in five minutes.  
GG: oh shoot  
GG: ok team is everyone in position  
GC: Y3S  
TG: oh shit i forgot about this whole shiznitz  
TG: sorry team tho i guess u got 2 haev  
TG: a primo convo w my sweet ass  
TG: anyways eyo team member alpha reporting 4 duty  
TG: all up in this plaeces biznazzzzz  
TG: im in ur base haxin ur security  
TG: more like securmomity amirite this shit suuuucks  
TG: jade the sound bomb is all in place u just gotta set it up  
TT: I am in position over the building.  
TT: As I have been, for the past fifteen minutes.  
TT: My legs have long fallen asleep. Their small appendage brains dance with dreams of even deeper levels of slumber.  
TT: I have been in position for so long that my legs are reaching heretofore unseen levels of sleep.  
TG: shit aint enough rosita  
TG: we need 2 go deeper  
TG: pretend leodicapripants is lookin at u with his weird angsty stare  
TT: Oh, Jack. Take me.  
GG: shut up both of you  
GG: this is sooooooo not the moment  
GG: anyway  
GG: i am also in position here at team command  
GG: so  
GG: all systems are go!!!!!  
GG: heehee ive always wanted to say that  
TG: wipef a way a tear  
TG: im so happy for u jade  
TG: follow ur dreams  
TG: spread ur wings and learn 2 fly  
TG: u were born 2 be a champion  
TT: Seven twenty-nine.  
GG: shoot!!!  
GG: guys get ready  
GG: ok im going to switch over to group call mode  
GG: everyone make sure your headsets are on!

\-------------------oOo-------------------

|DIALOGLOG|  
JADE: all right answer yes if you can hear me  
ROSE: Yes.  
TEREZI: Y3S  
ROXY: hell fuckin yeah  
JADE: roxy please this is a serious situation  
ROXY: lol yeah for those crockerdues maybs  
JADE: roxy!!!  
ROXY: sheesh arright miss jade ill be good  
ROXY: so good right here totes serious and on the job  
JADE: no i mean roxy  
JADE: corporate villainry at six o clock!!!!  
ROXY: oh shit  
ROXY: nope i got this  
ROXY: probs anyway everyone else look around nothign 2 see here  
ROSE: What’s going on?  
TEREZI: ROXY DO YOU N33D B4CKUP  
JADE: no everyone stay in position  
ROSE: Roxy?  
JADE: everyone stay where you are!  
JADE: roxy change of plan :(  
JADE: im going to need you to go into the hallway and stem the flow of these henchmen while i try and hack into the buildings security system further  
JADE: we need to be able to get into their cameras my visuals are being seriously compromised  
ROXY: ok lemme get this blaster set up  
JADE: NON LETHAL SETTINGS ONLY!!!  
ROXY: ok fine its a kickass gun anyway  
ROXY: hell yess come to mommy  
TEREZI: J4D3 3V3RYTH1NG S33MS QU13T DOWN H3R3  
TEREZI: M4YB3 1 SHOULD GO JO1N ROXY-  
JADE: no!!!!!  
JADE: and rose dont you THINK about moving missy  
ROSE: The idea didn’t begin to cross my mind.  
JADE: okay im in  
JADE: it looks like one of their deputy patissiers is in charge of this one  
JADE: a total asshole named isen  
ROSE: Language, Jade.  
ROSE: People will think you have no fucking decorum.  
JADE: bluh whatever rose!  
JADE: terezi a group of about five is headed your way  
JADE: i need you to deter them and send them back to where roxy is  
TEREZI: GOT 1T  
ROSE: And I am, of course, still waiting and watching.  
JADE: yes rose im sorry :(  
ROSE: It’s all right. I believe my legs have reached their second cycle of REM sleep.  
ROXY: awwwwwww yeahhhh thats right how do u like a piece of the roxster  
ROXY: thats the way uhuhuh  
ROXY: i like it uhuhuh  
ROSE: I assume that Roxy’s portion of the fight is going well?  
ROSE: Not that I would be able to tell. From up here. Floating above the roof.  
JADE: oh dont even give me that crap i know your seer powers will let you see whats going on!!  
JADE: yes shes doing great and rose for the last time your job is to be our eye in the sky because you are the only one of us who can float!!!!  
JADE: none of us are getting the easy job so just shut up and stop whining already!!!!  
ROSE: I wouldn’t dream of whining-  
TEREZI: J4D3 TH3YR3 NOT GO1NG 1N TH3 R1GHT D1R3CT1ON  
JADE: well then bottleneck them or something you have a gun you know how to fight  
ROXY: oh no jade bad newsies  
JADE: whats wrong??  
ROXY: well u kno how theyre supposed to be all corralled up down here i think theyve gotten wise 2 my hells of dangerous nature  
ROXY: they are all runnign in the opposite direction  
ROXY: toward the storeroom w the habits  
JADE: oh darn  
JADE: well then go get them!! they cant get in there i havent set us up the sound bomb yet!!!  
TEREZI: J3D3?  
JADE: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT NOW, TEREZI?????  
TEREZI: MY BL4ST3R 1S OUT OF JU1C3  
JADE: DIDNT YOU GET EXTRA BATTERIES???????????  
TEREZI: 1 4M PR3TTY SUR3 TH4T 3N3RGY SUPPL13S W3R3 UND3R ROS3S JUR1SD1CT1ON  
ROSE: That’s a filthy lie, and you should be ashamed of yourself.  
TEREZI: W3LL 1T WOULDNT B3 TH3 F1RST T1M3 YOU FORGOT V1T4L SUPPL13S ON 4 M1SS1ON L1TTL3 M1SS W3LL YOU C4N T3CHN1C4LLY SURV1V3 FOR 4 W33K ON D1G3ST1V3 B1SCU1TS 4ND F4YGO  
ROXY: no one talks to my sis like that  
ROXY: ur entrering a world of pain mofo  
TEREZI: 1D L1K3 TO S33 YOU TRY 4ND T4K3 M3 1N 4 F1GHT!  
ROXY: is that an ivintation  
JADE: will everyone just pay attention to the situation at hand!  
TEREZI: 1 COULD BR34TH3 F1R3 4T TH3M  
JADE: no terezi that would kill them  
TEREZI: TH4T 1S NOT 4 D3F1N1T3 TRUTH  
ROSE: Why don’t you try and hold them off by hurling the pie you picked up in lieu of items that were actually necessary?  
TEREZI: TH1S CH3RRY P13 1S TOO V4LU4BL3 TO B3 US3D 4S W34PONRY!  
ROSE: Might I remind you that your strange predilection for pies, especially cherry, strawberry, and rhubarb, are placing a sizeable dent in our team’s finances-  
TEREZI: THOS3 3XP3NS3S 4R3 PR4CT1C4LLY NON3X1ST3NT COMP4R3D TO WH4T YOUR S1ST3R SP3NDS ON VODK4 AND J3LLO SHOTS 3V3RY W33K  
ROXY: yo what r u tryign 2 insinuate here  
JADE: AAAAHHHGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
JADE: I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE  
JADE: YOU GUYS ARE AAAAAAAAWWWWFULLLLLLLLLL  
JADE: BAD GIRLS. WORST TEAM.  
ROXY: :( jadey im sorrry  
TEREZI: 1 R3TR4CT MY 4CCUS4T1ON 4ND 4CC3PT 4LL R3SPONS1B1L1TY FOR TH1S B4TT3RY D3B4CLE 3SP3C14LLY S331NG 4S TH3R3 1S NO ON3 H3R3 TO BL4ST 4NYW4Y  
JADE: NO OH DANG IT I REMEMBERED I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET THE BATTERIES  
JADE: WHATEVER!!! I’M SORRY!!!!  
JADE: TRYING TO WRANGLE YOU GUYS INTO A WORKING TEAM IS SUCH A NIGHTMARE THAT I COMPLETELY FORGOT  
JADE: TO GET  
JADE: THE FUCKING  
JADE: BATTERIES  
ROSE: Um.  
ROSE: Is this a bad time to point out that the sound bomb was supposed to go off three minutes ago?  
JADE: ...  
ROSE: In retrospect, an obvious answer.  
JADE: bluh whatEVER  
JADE: roxy just get out of there or plug your ears or something  
JADE: this bomb is going to go off in t minus ten seconds  
ROXY: jade im runnin  
JADE: nine  
ROXY: as fast as i can  
JADE: eight  
ROXY: you know what i found this convenient ass cotton  
JADE: ok seven  
ROXY: but im gonna have to take off my headset  
JADE: just hurry up!!! six  
ROXY: k earplugs are go  
JADE: five four three whatever just setting it off now  
JADE: YIPPIE KI YAY, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!  
ROSE: Ah, the dulcet tones of the squiddles theme. Truly enough to inspire terror in the hearts of even the boldest Crocker henchmen.  
JADE: when its at 150 decibels definitely  
JADE: theyre all running out of the building but HA every door is locked except the front one  
JADE: HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES????  
ROXY: ok im outta the buildin and my headset is ON  
ROXY: also the bad news bears have got another piece of cargo  
JADE: what is it.  
ROXY: u kno the habits we were supposed to protect  
ROXY: given 2 those carolwhatevr monks by the disciple purrself  
JADE: yes ..........  
ROXY: the ones the crockerdudes werent supposed to get like ever  
JADE: yes .....................  
ROXY: i think ur bomb was a lil late  
ROXY: 2 dudes just ran by w them  
JADE: well this is just terrible  
JADE: we cant let them get away!!  
TEREZI: 1 4M CURR3NTLY S1TT1NG ON TH31R G3T4W4Y V4N  
TEREZI: NO CROCK3RCORP H3NCHM3N 1N S1GHT  
JADE: rose you are our eye in the sky you are our majestic eagle  
JADE: what do your eagle eyes see  
ROSE: The Crocker men are turning northeast.  
ROSE: They’re ... they’re taking the habits to Isen’s car.  
JADE: oh damn it!!!  
JADE: we should have had someone guarding that  
TEREZI: 1M ON 1T  
JADE: no stay there you need to make sure no one manages to escape using the getaway van  
JADE: SIGH  
ROXY: no probs i can take care of it  
ROXY: i will be all up on those dudes like a mighty storm  
JADE: roxy you are literally on the other side of the building  
JADE: you need to stay at the front to make sure no one escapes!  
JADE: rose i need to talk to the police can you get the habits back  
ROSE: Yes.  
JADE: this is a DISASTER  
JADE: but we can salvage it i think  
ROXY: these dudes are havign to come down this hallway single file it is lit like shooting fish in a barrel  
ROXY: 2 easy  
JADE: ok the police are coming to the front to guard that and roxy you can just start your sweep and drag out anyone left in there  
ROXY: aye aye cap  
ROSE: I have the habits. Isen is gone. The other two are unconscious.  
JADE: good work i guess  
JADE: the car? did you slash the tires so they cant get away  
ROSE: Slashed and burned.  
ROSE: An environmentally unfriendly form of agriculture but an effective way to stop vehicles.  
JADE: ok  
JADE: im almost afraid i might jinx it but i think our work here is  
JADE: done.

\-------------------oOo-------------------

When they get back to their “TOP SERCET *SECRET BASE KEEP OUT!!!!” (the Lalonde Mansion) everyone wants to curl up in their beds and forget that tonight happened, at all, but Jade insists on a debriefing session. Jade insists on debriefing sessions after everything. They have twice had debriefing sessions on debriefing sessions.

“So!” Jade says. “So. That was technically a victorious fight!”

Rose stabs her needle into her embroidered sampler, which reads “There’s no 'I' in 'team'!” It is surrounded by cherries and batteries. Terezi slurps up a slice of cherry pie, the rest of which resides in the fridge surrounded by lab samples and half-empty takeout boxes. Roxy snores.

Jade examines the rest of her team and shakes her head. It will take more than a simple debriefing session to learn from this night. Maybe they should make a pros and cons list. She has learned in her life - short as it has been - that a good pros and cons list is rarely a mistake.

She’s going to ask for a pros and cons list, Rose thinks. Or she’s going to want us to chant the team cheer - augh ...

“Let’s make a pros and cons list!” Jade says. She seems to have procured a white board and a pack of multi-coloured expo markers from nowhere. Rose’s thread breaks.

“But first,” she continues, “I think we should all recite the team cheer ...”

The team cheer is embarrassingly bad. Rose composed it in a fit of passive-aggressive camaraderie and never ceased to regret it; the other three will all sing it with unnerving enthusiasm, but never at exactly the same pitch or tempo. They have been known to break wineglasses.

“A friend in need is a friend indeeeeeed,” Jade and Terezi warble, “and a friend can save the daaaayyyyyy!!!” The ending two lines might actually be the worst bits of the actual song, Rose thinks. It looks like they are going to stop after only the first verse this time; she counts her small mercies and uses an expo marker to draw a penis on Roxy’s forehead.

“Soooooo.” Jade is perched on the coffee table and looks painedly responsible. It is a hard job being the friendleader of this superhero team, but someone has to do it. “Pros of tonight!”

“We recovered the habits?” Terezi suggests.

“Yes! Definite pro!”

“We managed to problem solve in difficult situations.”

“Yes!! Also a pro!” Jade swings her legs in excitement and kicks Roxy in the face.

_“Ow, motherfuck-”_

“Any other pros?”

_“Jesus CHRIST do you know how hells of lame it feels to be kicked -”_

“The numerous things that went wrong tonight displayed the true extent of our dysfunction?”

“Rose, that’s a con.”

_"And some fricker drew on my forehead g d i"_

“On the contrary, I feel like it presents an excellent way for our group to-”

_“What’s up with you Rox, oh nothing just rofc over here, ROFC what’s that, it means Rolling On The Floor fucking CRYING because some grade-a dbag just kicked me in the face-”_

“Roxy will you shut up!! It was not even that hard a kick!!!!

"Oh yeah? Say that to my face motherfucker not online-"

“ALL OF YOU JUST STOP, ALL RIGHT?” Terezi throws the plate in a beautiful overarm toss and the pie slides off in the middle of its trajectory, landing on Jade’s head.

“Our group is clearly missing some executive functions, so I suggest that we clear these problems up right now before we foul the air up any longer with our sour yellow passive-aggressive horseshit.”

Terezi crawls across the sofa and starts licking syrup off of Jade’s face.

“Fine,” says Jade. “Yes, we have problems. What are you saying we do, disband?”

“I’d rather not. We are an effective crime-fighting unit when we manage to actually work together, which admittedly is rather rare.”

“We could sign up for a session of group therapy,” Jade suggests.

“Nah, I had another idea,” Roxy says. “TZ, you missed a spot. Right by her chin.”

“Thanks.”

“I think we should bring someone else into our group.”

“Roxy, my dearest sister, we are trying to _solve_ our problems -”

“Rose I love you but just stfu, ok? Jade you are HELLA STRESSED trying to run everything all the time, no one in here can cook so we have to get take out for every meal, and we just don’t have enough people to do all the junk we need to do! It’s the perfect solution.”

“All right,” says Jade. “That makes sense, I guess. All in favor of recruiting another member for our team?”

“Sure.” “It’s worth a try, I suppose.” “It was my idea so yeah defs.”

“The ayes have it,” Jade declares. She reaches up and wipes her face with her sleeve. “I’ll put out an ad in Supers Daily tonight.”

\-------------------oOo-------------------

WANTED: A gutsy gal of the crime-fighting type to join a league of similarly awesome superheroines!!! Determination and a can-do attitude are a must. Also the ability to cook real food. Especially pies.  
Contact galacticGunslinger [GG] on pesterchum if you are interested!!!!

\-------------------oOo-------------------

“All right,” says Rose. “Our choices include someone called ‘The Fabric Softenette’ ... “

“I’ve met her, her only superhero skills involve laundry.”

“Polkagirl?”

“Not unless you want bruises all over your feet.”

“This one looks interesting - Porpoisone, calls herself a minor demigod of dolphins ...”

“We are SO NOT having a fish goddess in our house.”

“Squirrelgirl? - Right. It’s okay, Jade, you can stop growling.”

“How many more of these messages are there to sort through?”

Jade scrolls through the emails. Her inbox swells as they watch.

“Some of these we can immediately throw out,” she says. “This is from Casey, who we can’t take or else John will sneak into our house and murder us with balloon animals, this is from a dude who just wants our numbers, this is from a dude who wants to know if we’re up for an orgy - ew, he sent pictures of his dick no Roxy don’t look it’s all gross and wrinkly, this a note from a five year old girl named Tina, this is from the new Wormwoman, who has dog allergies, and this is from Karkat whining about how we’re advertising in the newspaper before accepting his request to join.”

Terezi shudders. “Don’t give in, Jade,” she says. “Karkat is not the solution to having a more functional group.”

“OMG,” says Roxy. “Go back to the one from Bakerlass -”

“Jane Crocker,” Rose reads. “Any relation to the Batterwitch herself?”

“Janey and I used to be BFFsies,” Roxy says. She looks wistfully at the computer. “I haven’t seen her in like ten years though ...”

“I don’t know.” Rose looks suspicious. “It could easily be a trick. We’ve been working to fight the Batterwitch’s wiles for so long; what if she’s decided she wants someone on the inside?”

“No, Janey is the shit,” says Roxy. “Besides she obvs wants to be a superhero so maybe she’s gotten reformed or something? We should totes give her a chance c’mon Roselia ...”

“I think we should meet with her at least,” says Jade. “Terezi?”

“Her name is Bakerlass.”

\-------------------oOo-------------------

They meet for burgers and milkshakes at a nearby diner. Jane is cheerful and neat and, judging from the smell of the pie she’s brought, an excellent baker. Roxy, Terezi, and Jade are won over immediately. Rose is less easily pleased.

“Crocker,” she says. “Do you know Betty Crocker? CEO of Crockercorp?”

“She’s my grandmother,” says Jane. “But I’m quite done with all that Crockercorp nonsense now! When I was eight, my father was ambushed by a rogue clown in an alleyway before my very eyes. I’ve devoted myself to becoming a vigilante who investigates crimes and polices the night, embracing baking in an attempt to overcome my childhood fears. I don’t want any child to have to go through what I did.”

“OMG,” says Roxy. “Jane that is just, totes sad and soooo inspirational.”

“I’m so sorry to hear about your dad,” says Jade.

“Thank you. I’m afraid his favorite tie will never be the same; pineapple filling is just impossible to get out of fabric.”

“It’s a classic origin story,” hisses Terezi in Rose’s ear. “None of us have anything that good!”

Rose is still unconvinced.

“You’re wealthy enough not to need any teammates, and none of us want to be your sidekick.”

“Oh no,” says Jane, uncomfortably fingering the ruby around her throat. “I don’t need a sidekick. The truth is, being a superhero on your own is pretty gosh darned hard work! It’s hard, and no one understands.”

“We understand,” says Roxy. She reaches over the table and clasps Jane’s hand. There are tears in her eyes.

Rose’s own eyes are rolling, but those of Jade and Terezi look similarly misty.

“I already feel like you’re a member of the team,” Jade says. Terezi nods.

“I’m delighted to join.” Jane has started to cry; tears are streaming down Roxy and Jade’s faces, too. Terezi has turned to the sugar bowl to drown her sorrows.

“Oh, fine,” says Rose. “But on _probation_.”

\-------------------oOo-------------------

\-- galacticGunslinger [GG] opened group chat titled WELCOME JANE! --  
GG: whoo guys!!  
\-- toxicologistsGhost [TG] joined chat --  
GG: our first ever chat with jane!  
\-- gordianClemency [GC] joined chat --  
\-- transcendentalTiresias [TT] joined chat --  
GG: now the official NEWEST MEMBER of our team!  
\-- gellingGirdiron [GG] joined chat --  
GG: ...  
GG: ...  
GG: ...  
GG: ...  
GG: one of us is going to have to change

\-------------------oOo-------------------

\-- galacticGunslinger [GG] opened group chat titled kidnapping is a crime but these are special circumstances --  
\-- gordianClemency [GC] joined chat --  
\-- toxicologistsGhost [TG] joined chat --  
\-- transcendentalTiresias [TT] joined chat --  
GG: so  
\-- eruditeBaker [EB] joined chat --  
GG: i bet you are all wondering why i have gathered you here today  
TT: To discuss our plans for kidnapping one of Crockercorp’s high command?  
GG: sigh  
GG: rose i didnt actually want you to answer that  
GG: i just always wanted to say it once!!  
TG: im p sure todays gonna be BALLS TO THE WALL awesome  
TG: our balls are so close 2 the wall u have no idea  
TG: they r all over that wall  
TG: clingign 2 it  
TG: sedeductively  
TG: (i said sedeductively that was 4 u janikins)  
EB: Hoo hoo hoo, thanks!  
TT: Let’s get down to business, shall we?  
GG: to defeaaaaaat  
GG: the huns  
GC: D1D TH3Y S3ND M3 D4UGHT3RS  
TG: when i asked 4 sons  
TG: dude this postal service is totes lame stay far far away from it  
TT: I walked straight into that one, didn’t I.  
TG: yup  
TT: What I meant was that we should try and make sure that tonight’s endeavor goes well,  
TT: Especially considering that our previous four attempts to interfere with Crockercorp’s nefarious dealings have resulted in failure.  
TT: It’s almost as if someone is working to purposefully sabotage our efforts!  
TG: god bless you mr rosewater you saying  
TT: Vonnegut jokes aside, I’m saying that it is, perhaps, SLIGHTLY suspicious that our recent forays have each been combated by an enemy that seems very well aware of our movement patterns and plans.  
GG: rose ......  
GG: if you are going to say something  
GG: just flat out say it!  
GG: its this kind of passive aggressive crap that was causing problems before!  
EB: No, I can see where this is headed!  
EB: You’re accusing me of feeding them information, aren’t you?  
TT: When you put it so bluntly, yes.  
TG: omgg rose no jane would never do that!!  
EB: You know what? It’s fine!  
EB: Absolutely peachy keen.  
EB: I know you’ve had a bee in your bonnet about me since the very day I joined this team.  
GC: 1 DONT TH1NK TH1S 1S TH3 T1M3 OR PL4C3 TO H4SH TH1S OUT  
TT: On the contrary, I think we need to resolve this matter before moving forward.  
EB: Fine! Why don’t we darn well duke it out, then, here and now!  
TG: noooooooo  
TG: guys dont fight :(  
GC: 1 WOULD L1K3 TO R34FF1RM MY PR3V1OUS ST4T3M3NT  
GC: 3SP3C1LLY 4S TH3 M4RK 1S  
GC: 20 F33T 4W4Y FROM M3  
GG: jane rose you settle your differences later and no dumb arguing now ok??  
TT: ...  
GG: THAT WAS NOT AS YOUR FRIEND THAT WAS AS YOUR LEADER  
GG: IF YOU TWO FUCKASSES MAKE PROBLEMS YOU ARE ON TILE GROUT SCRUBBING DUTY FOR A MONTH!!!!!  
EB: I would like to point out that I am not the one being antagonistic here.  
TT: I’ll behave myself if she does.  
EB: The same applies to you, buster!  
TG: o m f geeee guys calm ur tits  
TG: just chill the fuck out  
TG: u can just argue about this latre whats the worst that could possibly happen rn

\-------------------oOo-------------------

The iron door clangs shut and makes their chains shake. In the middle of summer, somehow the air is cold enough that their breath makes small clouds as they speak.

“Well,” says Rose gingerly, “I hate to say ‘I told you so,’ but . . .”

“Rose that is a GOD DAMN LIE.” Roxy winces and rubs the side of her head. “You fucking love to say I told you so. And you haven’t proved anything, Jane could totes still be on our side ...”

“The evidence stacks up against her,” says Terezi. “I like Jane, but you have to admit that these circumstances are very fishy!”

“They are dolphiny,” says Jade. “Rose, we should have listened to you ...”

“This is America. Innocent until proven guilty!”

Rose sighs. “Rox, we hardly have to prove anything. We were ambushed. The four of us are here. Jane is not. Ergo, Jane sold us out.”

“Maybz she’s been taken by them and is being tortured, ever think of that? No, you just gotta pick on Janey first chance you get -”

“This entire conversation is ridiculous, Jane obviously tipped off the Batterwitch’s forces and told them where we were going to be. There is no chance that they could have found us that quickly-”

“Um sry there’s like, a 1% chance which is pretty dang small I admit but it is STILL TOTES POSSIBLE that -”

“Roxy Lalonde, if you’ll just shut the hell up and use your brain for a moment -”

“Well Roserino Lalondo if you just stfu and use your HEART-”

“GUYS!” Terezi is rolling her eyes in a most expressive manner. “While you are having your silly sibling bickerfest, Jade and I have managed to find a path out of this dungeon.”

“Come on, guys,” says Jade. “We still have a chance to do something useful! Maybe we can sabotage the Batterwitch from inside her own house!”

Rose and Roxy glare at each other, then gingerly hug in a gesture of reconciliation.

“Excellent,” says Rose. “Let’s go fuck shit up.”

\-------------------oOo-------------------

At first, they try to sneak. This idea is an abject failure and gets discarded immediately.

“Go sic!!” Roxy cheers, punching a small green blob in the mouth (or mouth-al area, at least) and slapping Jade’s furry butt. Barking, Jade leaps down the hallway and begins mauling the nearest carapace guard.

“It’s a little unfair,” says Rose. “I mean, they’re practically sticks with bits on. It’s like a giant game of fetch for her.”

“Are you complainin? Shit, this is more fun than I've had in 5ever." A Dersite runs into them and Roxy reflexively leaps up, squeezes him unconscious with her thighs and then punches him, almost as an afterthought. Terezi is leaping ahead and setting things on fire. Her cackles float somewhere above the crackling sound of flames.

“It _is_ rather fun.”

Another carapace tries to sneak up on them. Rose doesn’t bother to turn around, just lashes out with a rope of energy and slams him into a grandfather clock.

“This is hells of easy,” Roxy continues. “Dude, if we knew Crockercorp HQ had such sucky security we woulda been all over this shit ages ago.”

They’ve come upon a grand hall. It’s dark, and completely noiseless except for the sound of Jade’s rapid barking, Terezi’s clicking laughter, and the faint groans of semi-conscious henchmen.

Rose stops.

“It was very easy,” she says.

Following the laws of narrative convention, Jade, Terezi, and Roxy each walk into her. The massive room has gone silent.

“It’s quiet,” Rose says. She can feel the next part on her mouth she can’t say it she won’t say it -

“Too quiet.”

They hear a laugh, popping like bubbles, and the torches in the room come on all at once. The walls are lined with carapaces. At the end of the hall is a spiky throne, giant chair, holding a girl with a red tiara and a huge grin. She waves at them, and the doors slam shut.

“Yo,” she says. “Why the glub faces?”

\-------------------oOo-------------------

\-------------------oOo-------------------

Roxy breaks the silence.

“Jane, nooooo,” she says. “I trusted you .......”

“No shit,” Jane says. She grins, and her teeth catch the torchlight. “Man, this chick done fooled ALL Y’ALL.”

The superheroes stare at each other.

“Jane?” Roxy says tentatively.

“Why the fuck you gotta keep saying her name? Ugh, gimme a break, I hadta go around for like a month hearin Jane fish Jane that, sorry baybe but I’m sorta sick of -”

“That’s not Jane,” says Rose, and immediately feels stupid.

“Fuck to the yeah I ain’t Jane, and ain’t you supposed to be the smart one or some shrimp? This take you that long to figure out? Oh sure the BODY’S Jane, but L’il Miss Psychotherapist knows that the body and the person don’t always mesh up together if you know what I mean.”

“The necklace. The ruby one she always fiddled with, it’s the same red as the Crockercorp logo - you used it to control her, didn’t you?”

“Ring ding ding, give the girl a prize." The Batterwitch uses Jane's body to blow Rose a sarcastic kiss. "Man, while I got you girls locked in this room I’ma go ahead and tell y’all ALL my plans cause I straight up don’t give a ship about what old ballhead calls “wise villain behavior,” wise behavior my ASS. Scratch can suck his own nasty puppet dong for all I care. Oh I see you girls lookin at me like I’m sayin some dumb-ass shit but trust me, that dude is fuckin NASTY. Anyway where was I? Oh right - Janeycakes here didn’t know what the shell she was doing, she thought she was genuinely trying to help out her little friends while I was spying on all y’all the en-tire time. Shit’s hilarious.”

“Excuse me,” says Rose. “Do you expect us to just stand here and listen to you blather on for eternity?”

“No, Ms. Lalonde,” snaps not-Jane, “I expect you to die. But you ain’t gonna die for a while yet so just fuckin LISTEN to me, arright?”

“If we get closer to one of the torches I might be able to make a bomb,” Jade whispers into Rose’s left ear. “They use a specific kind of fuel ...” “I think I can reach her,” Roxy says on her other side. “Just lemme get right up close ... Rosita believe me gimme a chance ...” Rose is about to ask Terezi if she can provide a diversion, but doesn’t bother. Terezi is practically a walking diversion.

They edge closer to the chair. Jane aims her spoon at them and scorches the ground right in front of their feet.

“Back the fuck up,” she says. “Don’t try any shit, I’m watching you ...”

“What are you planning on doing with us?” Rose says. She’s knows it’s cliche but god damnit, she could use a boost from cliches right now.

Jane-thing doesn’t miss the chance to gloat.

“First I’ma leave you a nice long while in my dungeon,” she says, “and then I guess I’ll control y’all too? Using superheroes to do evil is a fuckin bass idea. First I steal myself some rad jewels, gotta get hella bling if I’ma rule this town. Then idk, destroy government buildings or some shit like that? Gotta keep it classy though. I ain’t gonna rule over a pile of broken trash.”

Rose and co. edge slightly closer.

“Oh Jane,” Roxy sobs out. “Jane please, I know you’re in there somewhere, I will scream your name like a hundred times into the void -”

“Sorry, sweetcakes,” Jane says. “Soulful hugs, stares, kisses even, ain’t going to do NOTHIN. Shit, you wanna come up here and try it for yourself? This mind control is im-fuckin-penetrable.”

Roxy walks up to the throne and _smiles_ , and the thing that looks like Jane makes a face that says _aw shit_ the same moment that Rose ropes a torch and brings it toward Jane and Terezi grins threateningly at the carapaces, tongues of flame flickering over her teeth. Jade breaks off one of the buttons of her coat and throws it into the torch as Roxy pulls the tiara off of Jane’s head and steps on it as Rose grabs the torch with a tentacle of energy and throws it toward the doors and the five of them fall to the ground as everything goes _whoosh_.

When they get up again, the carapaces have fainted or are feigning unconsciousness. The doors have been blasted open, and the air is so heavy with dust that it seems to have been attacked by a lingering fog.

“Ow,” says Jane, rubbing her head. “Rolal, what on earth just happened? Explain yourself!”

Roxy shrieks and jumps at her, knocking her back down.

Jade gives them fifteen seconds before shepherding everyone out. 

\-------------------oOo-------------------

\-- eruditeBaker [EB] opened group chat titled MASS APOLOGY --  
EB: Hello?  
\-- toxicologistsGhost [TG] joined chat --  
TG: jaaane  
\-- gordianClemency [GC] joined chat --  
\-- transcendentalTiresias [TT] joined chat --  
EB: I suppose we’re only waiting for Jade, then.  
\-- galacticGunslinger [GG] joined chat --  
GG: jade here reportng for duty!  
TG: sooo  
TG: jane are u goin 2 tell us why u havent left ur room for like three days :(  
EB: Well,  
EB: Oh Christopher Columbus, this is awkward.  
EB: Erm.  
EB: I just wanted to apologize, to everyone.  
EB: I know that I caused you all a great deal of inconvenience, and I completely understand if you no longer want anything to do with me!  
TG: omg janney nnooo dnot worry its totes all right!!  
EB: Watch your run-ons, Rolal.  
TG: ugh w/ever  
GG: wait jane you dont have to leave!!  
GG: we understand that you didnt meant to do what you did  
GG: :( the wiles of the batterwitch are strong!  
EB: Wait, you really want me back?  
GC: D3F1N4T3LY >;]  
TT: I must admit that the kitchen has seemed rather decrepit without your baking.  
TG: rose is just a fartface that means she misses u 2  
EB: Well golly gosh!! This is a delightful situation.  
EB: You’d really forgive me after my abominable behavior!  
TG: shit girl its no biggie  
TT: Indeed. We’ve forgiven worse, after all.  
GG: i accidentally burned our last base down!!  
GC: 1 L3D 4 R4MP4G1NG CHOL3RB34R 1NTO TH3 HOUS3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF TH3 N1GHT B3C4US3 1 W4NT3D TO PUT 1T ON TR14L  
TT: I tried to kill Terezi. Three times.  
TG: see jantelope these losers are the worst  
TG: so u are compraratively not that bad at all!!  
TT: Roxy neglects to mention that she tried to convince us to let her join the group by breaking into our base and holding us hostage.  
TG: well it worked didnt it  
EB: Hoo, hoo, hoo.  
EB: You girls are a regular hoot!  
GG: ok this is all very happy but we have another mission!  
GG: looks like eridan ampora the chicken of the sea is threatening new hivebound citys port  
GG: team!!! assemble!!!!! that means you too jane  
GG: also its really cold outside so wear the mufflers rose knitted you!  
GG: theyve got little flowers and everything they are soooo cute  
GG: <3 were a family now.

\-------------------oOo-------------------

And so the day was saved,  
Thanks to the flower muff girls.


End file.
